Monday, November 22, 2010

Natural Film Spoilers

Home theatre system, pop corn, a bottle of coke, or canned beer, lights dimmed, a friend or two around, great movie on (can’t afford the cinema but hey you managed to get this very clear copy of an advertised movie that’s a must watch). So, all systems go! Everything is comfy and cool, opening credits roll by, the protagonist has just been introduced and you’re expecting 1 and a half hours of absolute thrill.

Ten minutes in ok maybe twenty, just when you’re in the eye of a perfect plot, Tiger your best buddy makes a comment that just about sums up not just that plot but the entire movie. Lights come on; “guy what was that for?” Tiger: abashed, hey I just thought you’d like to know (obviously Tiger had visited the cinema).

Yep typical, and most of the time it’s just the innate ability to provide information, seen as something simply natural, hey they’re just helping you along. Ok even I have the tendency to shoot my mouth but the difference is I do it with subtlety, I’ll only see the bad guy (just in case you think I don’t know the proper word I’m referring to the antagonist) and shout ‘da killer’ doesn’t mean I’ve said the black guy with the scar is the killer who did this, and that, NO I just shout ‘da killer’ till I’ve gotten on enough nerves then I’m shut up. But that’s conscious and it’s deliberate.

So back to the homo-sapiens who have become object of my study, I have dubbed them Natural Film Spoilers (NFS). Boy are these a unique group, imagine this,

Scene II (action):

You’re watching this really interesting thriller, gosh the climax is building you should use the loo, but you’re holding on (really tricky since your bowel is screaming) but you simply cannot miss the next scene (uh huh pausing would just wreck the overall effect), then your best buddy walks in, takes in the scene and just shoots, “oh! that guy doesn’t die, you think he will, but it’s actually his best friend who goes down” you just stare in disbelief, that’s an NFS and the funny thing is, he most likely just looks away after that and asks “ ol boy wetin dey fridge.”

So see, that’s the point, a pretty good movie, gone, puff! Just like that, Yes, that’s what they do these NFSes just wreck films unknowingly, innocently and without the slightest thought to what they have done.

These NFSes come in various shapes and sizes and the most difficult group to deal with are your mum and dad, if you had the absolute luck to be watching a movie with them. You see you can’t shut them up, you politely get up or just go “Mummy ah ah let us watch now” (when you actually meant to say &^*$%#@), but this usually turns out to be enough to calm them down till the next exciting scene.

So my advice is when you’re watching a movie and a recognised NFS walks in and spews “OH THIS MOVIE” politely pause or switch off and walk away, yep! Invent an excuse and run.

And golly I almost forgot the dreaded better half of an NFS, those who expect you to know the plot or next scene of a movie and expect to be given a blow by blow account of the movie, even when you’re all just watching for the first time. If you encounter one of THESE, be prepared to tell them every 10mins or so that “no you haven’t watched the movie and it’s your first time too and you definitely do not know what the next scene is about.

” If questions persist just SHUT THEM UP.

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